The Secrets We Keep to Survive
by cmarrrie
Summary: Returning to Hogwarts after a fifth year mishap, seventeen year old Valerie Collins must face the two men she fears most: James Potter and Sirius Black.
1. Secrets

******[Obviously, I don't own anything from Harry Potter or the Marauder's time.]**

* * *

**The Secrets We Keep to Survive  
Secrets  
**

Secrets.

Everyone has them. No matter what your age may be, where you are, what stage of life your in, or if you're famous or a commoner; you have a secret.

It doesn't matter what you've done, they are still secrets. Whether its things such as cheating on an exam or cheating on someone, everybody in the world has secrets that are buried deep within them, eating them alive.

Lets take my mates for example.

No matter how much she's denied it the past seven years, no matter how much she may yell and curse him, my best girlfriend –Lily Evans- fancies the living bugger out of James Potter.

How about my one of my dearest friends while I was at Hogwarts: Remus Lupin. On the outside, he is every bit of a gentleman. But his sweet deposition cannot hide what he becomes every full moon: a werewolf.

Let's try my brother, yeah? He's a brilliant, twenty year old Auror and afraid of commitment, especially with this horrible, dark war looming. But a fortnight ago I went to his flat in London to visit and I found him cuddled up on his sofa with this lovely blonde. I confronted him the next day and he admitted to having been with this girl for over six months, but he refused to tell anyone for her safety.

Now I'm sure you may be wondering what my secret is, right? Well get ready to be surprised, because I've got loads of them.

When I was a fifth year at Hogwarts, I cheated on my boyfriend of the time with his best friend.

You may be thinking 'oh, that's not too bad, everyone has mishaps', but I'm afraid my mishap was completely life altering.

At the time, I was steadily dating James Potter. Yes, the same James Potter my best friend happens to be in love with (although she refuses to admit it). James and I grew up together as children and around the time we turned fifteen, our hormones took over, so we decided to give it a go as a couple.

Sounds innocent, right?

Wrong.

James and I also decided that we would be each others firsts. And yes, when I say firsts, I mean first _lover_.

Looking back, I don't regret losing my virginity to James. We were both inexperienced and took care of each other. It wasn't rushed or forced or anything of the sorts; it was sort of sweet and innocent.

But alas, James was a fifteen year old bloke with raging hormones, so after we did it the first time, we could hardly wait to get into each others pants again.

Enter Sirius Black.

Even at our young age, Sirius was the best looking bloke in all of Hogwarts. His reputation as a ladies man was very much deserved and he seemed to have this charm about him that could make anyone fall for him.

Enter me, Valerie Collins.

I still blame the bloody Firewhiskey for making me sleep with Sirius; that and the fact that Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup for the third straight year in a row. The common room was roaring with people, the music was loud, and the alcohol was plentiful.

James had been celebrating and singing loudly on some of the study tables with a few members of the team when Sirius came over to where I stood and started flirting.

I am ashamed to admit, but I let his good looks get the best of me. The next thing I knew, he was leading me outside of the Common Room and down the corridors to an empty classroom.

To say that Sirius Black wasn't a good shag would be a terrible lie. He was fantastic, but given the drunken state we were in, neither of us seemed to even think about using protection.

The next morning I woke up feeling guilty, so I rushed to James' room to make sure he didn't know about what happened with Sirius and I. Thankfully, he was passed out in his bed and when I woke him up, he was more than happy to see me. One thing led to another and James and I ended up shagging.

I'm sure that I sound like a complete and utter slag right about now, but I promise you that I was simply a girl needing to be loved. I look back now, almost two years later, and realize how desperate I was for attention and how I longed for the love of a man after my own father walked out on my mum and I when he found out I was a witch as well.

But I'm getting off topic. You may be thinking 'oh well, this bird just happened to drunkenly shag her boyfriend's best mate, big deal'.

But, it is indeed a BIG deal.

Because three weeks after that incident I didn't get my period. And three weeks later, my whole world changed.

I was a pregnant fifteen year old witch. I had no idea what to do, so naturally I confided in my best friend and Headmaster. Professor Dumbledore agreed that it would be best if I left Hogwarts at Spring holiday in April, two and half months along in my pregnancy, to take care of myself and my current situation.

So I did just that. Two days before I was set to leave, I broke up with James. He was completely devastated and confused, but I refused to tell him the truth behind my departure. I returned back home to my supportive mother and continued my education with the help of daily owls from Dumbledore.

I still managed to finish my fifth and sixth year, and ten months ago, I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, Addison Collins.

Now, with all that being said, my mum and I (as well as Dumbledore) have found it fitting that I return to Hogwarts for my seventh and final year.

I'm not nervous or anything. I still managed to keep in touch with Lily and Remus these past two years, so I know I will still have mates when I return.

My biggest fear?

Dealing with James and Sirius.

Because to this day, I still have no idea which one is Addison's father.

* * *

Currently re-editing this and taking it a different direction...updates will be more frequent and I'm really excited about where I'm going to take this! ^.^

-CS


	2. Basic Space

**********[Obviously, I don't own anything from Harry Potter or the Marauder's time.]**

* * *

**The Secrets We Keep to Survive  
Basic Space**

"Are you nervous? Anxious? Scared?" Valerie's mum drilled her with questions all day; and to be honest, it was starting to bother the hell out of her.

"Mum, please, breathe. You're more worried about this than I am." Valerie told her, shifting Addison to her hip as she played with her hair with her chubby little fingers. Valerie smiled down at her and her gray eyes shone back up.

Valerie was going to miss this.

Her mother saw this and smiled, coming over to where they stood by the stove. She brushed Valerie's hair down with her hand and put the other hand on Addison's back. "I'll take good care of her, love. I still remember when you were this little."

Valerie smiled, grateful that two years ago when she had told her mother that was pregnant she had been so understanding. "I know, I know," Valerie breathed, "I'm just going to miss her so much."

"Before you know it it'll be her birthday and then Christmas time and you'll be back home, Val." Her mum said, moving around the two of them to start cooking. "She'll be walking and moving on her own by then, just like you were."

Valerie sat down at the kitchen table, strapping Addison into her seat. She giggled when Valeria blew air on her check and she grinned at her adorable daughter.

"Have you contacted Lily?"

Valerie nodded. "Yes, I owled her about a month back. She's bringing me all the supplies I'll need from Diagon Alley." She spoon fed Addison some mashed peas and waited patiently as she drank her juice.

Her mother sat down at the table with them a few moments later, dinner ready. They ate in silence and laughed when Addison tried to fling mashed peas at Valerie's face.

* * *

"Are you ready?" September first had dawned and Valerie stood in her bedroom, staring at her school trunk. It was overflowing with school robes, muggle attire, books and school supplies, pictures of Addison and more.

Valerie nodded, closing her trunk with the flick of her wand as Addison sat at her feet, clapping her hands together. Valerie smiled, picking her up

Her mother hugged her tightly, pulling away when the doorbell rang. "That must be Lily." She hurried downstairs and a moment later Lily Evan's familiar gentle voice filled the living room.

"I guess its now or never, right Addy?" Valerie mumbled down at Addison and she touched her cheek, and Valerie smiled, kissing her fingers. She levitated her trunk down the stairs and followed behind it with Addison in her arms.

The moment Lily saw them, she shrieked and ran to them.

"Wotcher Valerie!" She hugged Valerie tightly while Addison looked up at her, waiting. Lily laughed, taking her into her arms.

"I'm so sorry Miss Addison, how are you?" Lily said, laughing while Addison smiled, making some sort of noise in response. She kissed the tip of her nose and grinned. "She's gotten so big, Val, I can't believe it."

"Two months time and she'll be a year old." Valerie smiled warmly at her daughter and best friend. Lily grinned, squeezing Val's arm affectionately before handing Addison back, having her mum grab her arm and drag her off towards the kitchen.

"Lily, dear, are you eating? You're far too thin." Valerie's mum fretted and Lily shot a wink at Valerie over her shoulder. Valerie laughed, squeezing Addison closer until she protested, so she set her down to play with her toys. Valerie sat next to her and watched her silently, unaware of her mum and Lily entering the room again.

"Ready to go, Val?" Lily's gentle voice made Valerie jump and look up from her daughter. They both smiled at her and she bit the inside of her lip, holding back tears. Lily saw and sat next to Valerie, rubbing her back soothingly.

"She'll be alright." She cooed softly and Valerie nodded, grateful that Lily had come to help her leave. They both watched Addison for a moment before Lily helped her up.

She picked up Addison in her arms and held her tightly, kissing every part of her smooth head. Valerie played with one of her curls and Addison giggled when she kissed her nose. She smiled down at her daughter and in that moment, she decided that she would graduate Hogwarts and find a job so she could support Addison. She was her motivation.

She kissed her once more and smiled when she returned the favor. "I love you, baby." Valerie breathed in her sweet scent deeply before handing her over to her mother.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go with you?" She asked and Valerie shook her head.

"I don't want anyone seeing Addison, would only cause rumors." She nodded understandingly and Valerie hugged her.

"Thank you so much. I love you, mum." Valerie whispered and her mum smiled. She kissed her cheek, handing her one last pocket sized picture of Addison that she slid into the back pocket of her muggle pants. The girls walked to the front door and her mum followed, Addison sitting snugly on her hip.

"We love you, make us both proud."

"I promise I will." Valerie blew Addison a kiss and smiled at her mother before turning and taking hold of Lily's arm, their trunks in tow, and followed her out to the muggle cab that would take the two girls to the train station.

* * *

"I can't believe we managed to get on the train without seeing the Marauders." Lily breathed a sigh of relief as the girls situated themselves in a compartment in the middle of the train.

Valerie grinned. "Thank Merlin, the last thing I want to do is see everyone, let alone James and Black."

Lily rolled her eyes, nudging her with her foot affectionately. "Val, please, you are hardly recognizable. You've changed so much since you left."

Lily was right about that. The only thing that had remained the same were Valerie's grey eyes. After having Addison, she had managed to keep some of the baby weight on in a healthy way. Her once slim face was now filled out a little more and her cheek bones no longer looked so harsh in contrast to her fuller lips and wide eyes. She was always petite in her younger days, but now her body had finally filled out and she had curves that she appreciated. A few weeks after Addison was born, she had also chosen to change her hair color, straying from her original honey blonde to a much darker and sophisticated brown.

She had aged since having Addison. Valerie no longer resembled a young, innocent and weak girl. She was stronger, more lively and grateful since having Addison.

"I suppose you're right, Lil." Valerie admitted and Lily grinned.

"When am I ever wrong?" Their laughter filled the compartment as Lily and Valerie settled in for the train ride. She watched the train pull out of the station, platform nine and three quarters disappearing from her view. The first hour of the ride was spent in silence; Lily read a new muggle book while Valerie skimmed over the pages of the newest Witch Weekly.

Suddenly, a loud bang erupted in the corridors and the girls could hear laughing throughout as students stuck their heads out of their compartments to see what the noise was all about. Lily glanced at Valerie and she groaned, the realization of the situation hitting her.

"It's them." Lily said quietly and Valerie looked down at her shaking hands.

"You don't suppose they'd -"

She was cut off by the compartment door sliding open and the girls heard deep laughter. Valerie automatically closed her eyes and tilted her head downwards, letting her curls mask her face from the boys.

"Evans! What a lovely surprise!" Valerie heard a smooth voice say and she could hear the grin in his voice, automatically knowing it was James.

"Potter, get the bloody hell out!" Lily snapped aggressively and she heard another snigger.

"Don't think your plans of wooing Evans this year are going to work, Prongs." She saw feet shuffle and knew Sirius Black had also entered the compartment.

"I'm so sorry Lily, I tried to keep them from bursting in here." Another, gentler voice filled the space and Valerie smiled to myself, aware the Remus Lupin had joined the boys.

"We'll get them out of your way, Evans." A fourth voice squeaked slightly and in that moment she was so grateful for Peter Pettigrew. James groaned and Valerie could see Remus tug his robes, leading him away from a fuming Lily.

Valerie was in the clear. She had successfully gone unnotic-

"Wait, who are you?" It was Sirius that spoke. Bloody Sirius Black had to go and ruin everything. She felt five pairs of eyes on her and she bit the inside of her lip, trying to keep my her body steady as she looked up and met the expectant gazes of the boys.

"Blimey!"

"Bloody hell!"

"Valerie?"

It was the last exclamation that Valerie responded to and looked up at James, meeting his hazel eyes.

"It's me." Her voice sounded stronger than she felt, but her hands were trembling. She smiled slightly. "Hullo boys."

"No way in Merlin's beard are you the same Valerie that left fifth year." Peter spoke first, his watery blue eyes wide.

She shifted under their gazes. "I am, it's me."

Sirius and James watched with wide eyes and Peter looked slightly confused. Remus was the first to speak up. He sat down beside her, hugging her tightly.

"It's so good to have you back, Valerie." His smiled was warm and comforting and she grinned thankfully.

"Thanks Remus, I'm glad I decided to come back."

"You'll have to excuse them." He nodded towards the other three and Valerie shrugged.

"I know it's a shock boys, but I am back for seventh year." She spoke to them directly and Peter stumbled over his words.

"I'm sorry, Valerie. It was just surprising." His smile was sheepish and she smiled at him.

"It's alright Peter; I didn't expect any other reaction from you lot." He nodded.

"Erm, well, welcome back Collins." Sirius' voice carried a hint of caution and she smiled, trying to keep her tone polite.

"Thanks, Black."

"Alright boys, I think we should leave them alone." Remus stood and Lily nodded, shooting him a grateful look.

Valerie looked expectantly at James, hoping he would say something to her, but he remained silent, his intense gaze set on Valerie. She smiled slightly and he blinked, suddenly, looking away quickly and running his hands through his hair.

"Evans, see you in the Head's meeting." James mumbled, turning and rushing out of the compartment. Peter followed worriedly and Sirius stole one last glance at Valerie before following the other two boys. Remus stopped at the door, looking down at the girls.

"I apologize for James behavior."

"Honestly, it could've been worse." Valerie mumbled and Remus nodded. "But thanks, Remus, it's so good to see you again."

Remus smiled warmly and nodded. "We must catch up, yeah? I want to hear about what's gone on in your life."

Her smile was genuine. "I promise we will."

He grinned. "Valerie, Lily, I'll see you two later." He winked before closing the compartment door behind him.

Valerie crumpled in her seat, letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Lily joined her on the bench, hugging her tightly. She smoothed down her hair down, soothing her with her words.

"This is too much, Lily. I want to go home. I miss Addison and I can't handle this." Valerie choked on her words as silent tears fell down her cheeks and Lily held her firmly in place.

"Val, you will do this. You're strong, and you have me." She told her and Valerie smiles despite her tears. "Do it for Addison, yeah?"

She looked up at Lily, who had been so wonderful to her. Valerie was lucky to have such a good friend like Lily, and was incredibly grateful that she hadn't abandoned her these past two years. Valerie gripped Lily's hand tightly, nodding.


End file.
